I sometimes think good morning is kind of like good mourning. A time of passing that includes dawning of a new day. Grief and Hope all in one. When you grieve often, new beginnings are a relief.
No matter the sadness we may feel on any dark night, the sun will always come up in morning, and we can walk forth with the light on our faces (or our backs). This cycle may be here to remind us; nothing is permanent, yet there is still that which we can count on.
Dear Younger One,
Your mom asked me to write. She said you were doing pretty well. I’m glad. I also heard you are afraid of growing up. Turning 18 in just over a year. And I wanted to tell you, you are already well on your way to adulthood, and that no age will be a marker more meaningful than what you’ve already been through.
There are these numbers that come along in the form of birthdays that are supposed to mean something, like “being an adult,” and “time you are supposed to have your sh!t together,” even “middle age.” The numbers appear to have little to do with experiencing these rites of passage. I can say this from experience. I think you know what I mean.
So, when you were in the hospital some time back1, I knew you’d seen things, experienced things, and were probably already feeling some of what many adults feel sometimes. Many of us avoid this knowledge: that life can be really hard, and feel very scary at times. But we can’t actually avoid this understanding, we just have to push on through these times, or wait them out, with loads of self-kindness.
This kind of experience is Survival talking to you.
The survival of groups of humanity telling you how to get along with other people so they can count on you to help them along, as they help you along too. See, we all have these moments: dark nights of the soul, and most of us get through by leaning on others, even those who are harsh, or confusing. We have to.
This kind of reliance on others works. Other people, friends, strangers, family, and even random acquaintances are all a part of the fabric of your survival, even if it feels awful and people seem petty. Everyone helps us through darker times if we let them. Professionals do too. They’ve loved helping others so much, they decided to devote their lives to doing that day after day. Some may be more attuned to you than others, so I hope you are willing to bark up a few trees to get what you need. You always will eventually.
And I need you to know, being an adult is not just that harsh stuff: feeling awful and responsible. If so, none of us would actually grow up. Seriously, there wouldn’t be a single smiling adult anywhere in the world. Or a happy one. Or a grateful one.
Yet there are.
When these big experiences come along: breakdowns, attempts, disillusionments, and crises. Well, these initiations don’t last forever, and they are followed by a time of integration. A time where we learn to live with what we know, a time where we get comfortable with it, and figure out what we’d like to do now that we’ve learned some things about life.
This is where dreams come in. And love. And joy. And you learning about you.
And you learning about what you care about.
While a dark night of the soul is hard, what’s on the other side is a deeper understanding of who you really are. And this may be the gift of adulthood. I know you know what I mean â you’ve already been doing it. And you can be happy with who you really are. We see you. And you are loved.
And so here is where I can genuinely plug university: you don’t grow up when you go to school, not you anyway. You are already growing up. So for you, college can be a place you can explore knowing your adult self, with other young idealists, furies, creators, builders, and even observers who will want to talk with you about what’s important to them.
You may find there is not a single young adult there who has not experienced something like what you know. For them, they’ll show you the mask and dance they’ve learned to cope. And that’s cool. You may also see some who are just finding out about this for the first time: and you, dear young woman, will know and help them get to a new day.
Or maybe you’ll just find folks with whom to celebrate life: that’s an option too.
Growing up can’t be avoided. It happens. But what can be avoided is nurturing the notion that growing up is hard. It isn’t all that. Sometimes growing up is magical. Sometimes being an adult means you see how small you really are â just a teeny blip in a place that includes all the stars, and the galaxies and expanding space for eons behind them.
Sometimes being an adult means freedom: to choose to live a way that feels just right to you. And sometimes it means exploring things that make your heart say “yes way!”
Sometimes growing up means you open up to new kinds of people and make friends across humanity. Because you are one of us now. One who can never know everything, but still move forward with a sense of adventure, and a heart and soul that is willing to love those you meet along the way. More can be trusted than perhaps you trust.
I’m here for you. There is very little that surprises me and I try not to nourish drama, or blame, or even diagnose “problems.” Instead, I try to work on nourishing and loving hearts and souls. You wouldn’t have had so many experiences if you were not here to do something a little like this too.
With Love,
A. Elizabeth
FOOTNOTES & SUB-SUBTEXT đ
- Dear Young Fury. How far you’ve come.â¤ī¸ âŠī¸
